I messed up...

Hey Friends,

I don't want to share this...it feels so exposed, so little in the world's eyes, and even no big deal to most. But I have nothing else to write about...

What was I thinking? That is the question that has haunted me today. Last night girls, I should have walked out. Why didn't I? Why couldn't I see that I was placing vile things before my eyes (which is in direct disobedience of Psalm 101:3)? I still am kicking myself and yet, still finding my mind will try to justify that it was okay.

Here is the story (the story to make you see that kamp directors are not perfect. hope my vulnerability is seen). I have been excited for a week about a certain movie opening. The cast was great. The plot line looked hysterical. I laugh now knowing, "duh, ashley, of course the enemy can get great stars and a great story line to make us be in direct disobedience of the Lord!" I got a group of 3 of my friends to plan a girl night and it was set. We showed up at 6:00 pm to get in line, ran to the theatre hall to get a great seat, and sat like a kid with $100 dollars in a candy store. I thought, "great, it's not rated "R" so it will be fine. Maybe a little shady but it's PG-13 so it can't be too bad." The movie started and to be totally honest 75% was okay. Not amazing Godly plot lines, but there was 1 story line that I watched and my stomach churned through those parts...but I sat there and even laughed at parts and sat there!

I sat there...I watched "vile things." I condoned, by simply sitting, things that I know are paths to destruction. I went home, still justifying that it was a "cute movie, but that I hated that one plot." I justified to my husband, who questioned me if I should be convicted. As I went to bed all I could hear, literally hear, was Psalm 101:3.

"I will set before my eyes no vile thing."

I chose to set before my eyes a message and images I did not need to see. I even left still being okay with it. Not until I tried going to bed and then this morning, with the help of a godly friend, did I go...ashley, you were wrong. Girls (and my 3 friends that went with me), I blew it. I want you to see that ALL OF US, even Kanakuk directors, mess up. Even today, my heart just is disappointed in myself, and I think I am learning what "mourning" over our sins means...I know God has forgiven, but I really think the Lord is grabbing my heart to check myself on what I watch...what I allow myself to watch and be okay with it. It's so not fun...it means I have to say no to some hang nights with friends or walk out of a movie even if no one else is...this woke me up that I have allowed this little stupid media thing to get me and my heart.

God's grace is so sweet because even in the day-after-I-jacked-up mood...I know I'm forgiven and prayerfully will allow the Lord to break and re-mold like He does SO WELL!! Why do I share this? I'm not sure...I guess I just wanted all 500+ K2 komos to know that no one's perfect and I mess up... A LOT. I love being bonded by the Lord together b/c we can share our junk...and still know God loves us! Even when we don't get out of the seat and walk out in Jesus' name...

(this might seem so little to some, no big deal, but don't you think the enemy starts somewhere...just a thought)

Stand up girls...

Walk out if need be...

Fight back for the Glory of the Lord...

there's my heart,

A. Robbins

ashley@kanakuk.com

Hey Friends,
Well, goodness, this little duck below is what I feel like today...but in a fun way! I have been a total texter, crazy caller, fanatic facebooker, and excited emailer trying to hunt down 200 staff to see if they are coming back to K2 this summer. And naturally, most are!! Wooohoo!!! Trish and I have been running up our minutes and texting limits like mad women! But it's so fun! This means that summer is really really almost here! This next week we go into our "draft." Draft is what we call our hiring process. It's a full week and we go through every single application! It's nuts but oh-so -fun!
We do all the madness so we can get our K2 staff back, basically the best in the whole world, and then hire more unbelievable new gals! It's so fun! You all want my job don't you...yikes, I better pay Trish my paycheck so she doesn't fire me to hire you all! :)

Gotta go text some more,
A. Robbins
ashley@kanakuk.com

I'm in Awe of Young Women Like This...

"Dear Ashley, You have no idea how encouraging it has been to receive your e-mails each month. I have been meaning to respond but it seems like I hardly have time to breath during the day. I miss Kamp so much at times. The other day I got to thinking though...what is it that I miss so much? Was it the food, or the outdoors, the freedom from the stresses of everyday life or the worship? But I came to the conclusion that it was the people. The feeling I had as I went to bed, as though I had just spent a day in Heaven and feeling like, with every second, I was growing closer with God. Why is it not like this at home? Why do we not get that feeling EVERY time we are fellowshipping with other believers? (I always think of the song called More Than You'll Ever Know by Watermark) This was one of the hardest parts of coming back. I was so disappointed with my church and with my Christian friends. One day I was complaining about this disappointment to my parents and my Dad simply replied, "Nat, we are not called to find the perfect church, we are called to BE the church." (It is so amazing to see how their faith and our whole family dynamic has changed incredibly in the past four months.) Since then my Dad and I have started getting up at four every Thursday morning to serve breakfast at our local homeless shelter. I have never enjoyed breakfast so much!!! We sit and listen to these incredible stories of where these people have been and are awed by their boundless faith, and our own lack of it at times. (Of course not all of the people who come in believe in God, yet.) Also, God instantly began bringing amazing people into my life. The friends and mentors I had been pleading for. What a blessing the past month has been. I am busy out of my mind with school work and extracurriculars, but I have found the truth in the saying, "you discover time you didn't think you had when you make time to spend with God." I hope that you will pray for strength for me as I endeavor to thirst and yearn for God and as I hope to become "the church" for my family, friends, and hopefully eventually influence my church as well.

Love,

Nat"