Saturday, February 7, 2009

I messed up...


Hey Friends,

I don't want to share this...it feels so exposed, so little in the world's eyes, and even no big deal to most. But I have nothing else to write about...

What was I thinking? That is the question that has haunted me today. Last night girls, I should have walked out. Why didn't I? Why couldn't I see that I was placing vile things before my eyes (which is in direct disobedience of Psalm 101:3)? I still am kicking myself and yet, still finding my mind will try to justify that it was okay.

Here is the story (the story to make you see that kamp directors are not perfect. hope my vulnerability is seen). I have been excited for a week about a certain movie opening. The cast was great. The plot line looked hysterical. I laugh now knowing, "duh, ashley, of course the enemy can get great stars and a great story line to make us be in direct disobedience of the Lord!" I got a group of 3 of my friends to plan a girl night and it was set. We showed up at 6:00 pm to get in line, ran to the theatre hall to get a great seat, and sat like a kid with $100 dollars in a candy store. I thought, "great, it's not rated "R" so it will be fine. Maybe a little shady but it's PG-13 so it can't be too bad." The movie started and to be totally honest 75% was okay. Not amazing Godly plot lines, but there was 1 story line that I watched and my stomach churned through those parts...but I sat there and even laughed at parts and sat there!

I sat there...I watched "vile things." I condoned, by simply sitting, things that I know are paths to destruction. I went home, still justifying that it was a "cute movie, but that I hated that one plot." I justified to my husband, who questioned me if I should be convicted. As I went to bed all I could hear, literally hear, was Psalm 101:3.

"I will set before my eyes no vile thing."

I chose to set before my eyes a message and images I did not need to see. I even left still being okay with it. Not until I tried going to bed and then this morning, with the help of a godly friend, did I go...ashley, you were wrong. Girls (and my 3 friends that went with me), I blew it. I want you to see that ALL OF US, even Kanakuk directors, mess up. Even today, my heart just is disappointed in myself, and I think I am learning what "mourning" over our sins means...I know God has forgiven, but I really think the Lord is grabbing my heart to check myself on what I watch...what I allow myself to watch and be okay with it. It's so not fun...it means I have to say no to some hang nights with friends or walk out of a movie even if no one else is...this woke me up that I have allowed this little stupid media thing to get me and my heart.

God's grace is so sweet because even in the day-after-I-jacked-up mood...I know I'm forgiven and prayerfully will allow the Lord to break and re-mold like He does SO WELL!! Why do I share this? I'm not sure...I guess I just wanted all 500+ K2 komos to know that no one's perfect and I mess up... A LOT. I love being bonded by the Lord together b/c we can share our junk...and still know God loves us! Even when we don't get out of the seat and walk out in Jesus' name...

(this might seem so little to some, no big deal, but don't you think the enemy starts somewhere...just a thought)

Stand up girls...
Walk out if need be...
Fight back for the Glory of the Lord...

there's my heart,
A. Robbins

6 comments:

Bronwyn said...

Your heart is precious Ashley! And I treasure the fact that i get to call you friend. Your blog today is so great - you can feel in your writing your remorse and your desire to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. The fact that you shared this experience will make an impact on others!

Grace said...

Thank you

Bailey said...

I too experienced the exact same situation this weekend- with what I am almost 99% sure is the exact same movie.

It left me with the worst feeling afterward- it truly is amazing how when you place the Lord in the center of your life the things you look at, read, watch, and listen to change so drastically.

However, the one positive that movie had on me was how messy and murky relationships can be when Christ isn't the center of them. Thank goodness I'm holding out for the man the Lord has for me rather than dealing with all of that madness!

God is good!

Kenzie said...

I had something like that happen to me once.

I was at a friend's house, with my friend and another friend of hers who I didn't know very well. The three of us were kind of bored and wanted to watch a movie - so they put in a movie I'd never heard of. The first 10 minutes or so were probably the grossest, most disgusting 10 minutes of my life, but I tried to keep watching so they wouldn't think I was weird. I kind of stared at the wall and tried to ignore it... but after a while, I decided it wasn't worth it and went out into the living room and checked my facebook. :) They stayed in there and watched the movie. They came out of her bedroom still talking about how funny it was and how I missed so much and that it really wasn't that bad... so I called my mom and went home.

Thanks for sharing your heart with us, Ashley. Sometimes it's nice to remember that even the people we think are perfect aren't, and that we're all human, because God loves us all just the same.

You're in my prayers. Love you!

Anonymous said...

so. . .good call on a new movie! New in Town was precious and not full of the real life I was trying to escape from! It was good to talk to you today. I hope staffing is going well. Can't wait to see you soon!
Pauline

Chloe Marie<3 said...

Ashley!! This makes me SO incredibly thankful you are in my life too help me, you really know when you mess up, even over things I would never think were bad. It makes me incredibly greatful to know that you are always a phone call away. Your GREAT!

I miss you!!

Only a hundred 50 something days untill 2nd term!